Nothing strengthens the bond between comrades like experiencing extreme challenges. My co-commentators Chay Long, Bill Long, Neil Williams and I each have a tattoo on our right arms of a television screen glowing in the midst of a gale to remind us of what we’ve been through together.
We were the Bear Grylls, Ray Mears and another couple of survival blokes of football commentary as we went further than anyone has ever gone to bring the Beautiful Game to the people.
We commentated outdoors. Week-in, week-out. It was our Vietnam, if Vietnam was in North Wales and had a pub next door.
So, why did we embark on this fool’s errand? When Wrexham joined the EFL’s iFollow service in anticipation of promotion at the end of the 2022-23 season, our technical requirements changed.
We had to broadcast using an ISDN line, an obsolete technology which delivers extremely high quality audio, but is rather unstable. Fortunately, we had the equipment from our former days in the EFL, but the problem was that very few other clubs in the National League had those lines installed.
That meant travelling to the likes of Wealdstone, Dorking and Woking was pointless, and the solution we found was to commentate off the broadcast of the match. That meant that, no matter the weather or time of day, we had to sit in the press box in an empty Stok Cae Ras, making noise about a game which might be 150 miles away in an empty stadium! If you think that sounds odd, it’s because it was!
There were further issues to resolve. For example, what would we use to watch the game? Initially, I’d pinch my lad’s TV from his bedroom, gingerly transporting it into the ground and up the steps to the press box. Don’t let anyone tell you that flatscreen TVs are light: it was a bulky, heavy nightmare to lug around before and after games, especially as I was also carrying round the extra anxiety of knowing what he’d do to me if I damaged it in any way! Rioters who smash shop windows to steal them must go through a rigorous exercise regime to get into shape!
Visibility was an issue too. Commentating from the Heart of Darkness wasn’t easy. You literally couldn’t see your hand in front of your face inside the ground at night games, and it was a little scary as we fumbled around, using the light from our phones to see.
It was a blessed relief when the club brought in those massive lights which are used to encourage the grass to grow on the pitch. They fill the stadium with a lovely pastel orange glow, like a pumpkin spice latte. Perfect for navigating the innards of the Stok Cae Ras.
It could be dangerous, too. One windy evening we were describing an away game when, amidst the sounds of lashing rain and a howling gale, we heard a terrible metallic scraping sound, followed by a terrific clattering.
We hesitated for a moment before picking up where we left off, describing a Reece Hall-Johnson throw-in, but when we went to see what had made that awful noise we discovered a portion of the newly-erected Wrexham Lager Stand sign on the roof had ripped off and been blown into the car park!
Good job there was nobody around, and a good job it didn’t blow under the roof or we’d have been in a real spot of bother!
There’s an elephant in the room which I must address. Didn’t listeners notice there was no crowd noise? We could be commentating on a bearpit of an atmosphere at Halifax or a derby at Stockport, but the crowd would remain silent. Well, perhaps they weren’t silent, but it’s kind of difficult to hear the noise they’re making when we’re in a different country.
Leaving the sound on the stream wasn’t an option, because the audience would be able to hear its commentator coming through louder than the crowd. I did experiment for a bit with playing the crowd noise of a game at Dover which didn’t have a commentary on it in the background. I even went so far as to programme a little keypad with different noises to try to replicate what was happening in the real crowd – I had sound effects for home goals, away goals, penalty awards, everything I could think of.
I soon knocked that on the head though: it’s hard enough commentating and making notes at the same time: add creating the atmosphere to my list of tasks, and I’m afraid I’ve overstretched myself massively!
Oddly, very few people actually asked us why there was no crowd noise. This was a relief to me: while I was happy to not reveal our little secret, I wasn’t willing to lie about what was happening, so I never said we were at the ground, or made any comments that implied that. I just omitted to say that we were in an empty stadium miles away from the game!
Purely by accident, this approach led to a natural resolution: helpful members of the #askwxm community would respond to questions about the total absence of any atmosphere by explaining that we must be in enclosed press box.
There are a few of those around, and they do tend to shut the crowd noise out, so it was a perfectly feasible explanation: I could therefore get on with my job and let sleeping dogs lie!
Occasionally, things could get vaguely surreal. The noise coming from The Turf as patrons reacted to events on the pitch would be clearly audible to us in the Wrexham Lager Stand, and there was one game where the TV coverage they were watching was ahead of our stream. Every time we heard a cheer, groan or gasp from the pub we’d be on our toes, knowing that something massive was about to happen!
Working with 247, who provide the live streams for the club, has offered us many more opportunities. Indeed, with their superior technology available, I was actually able to commentate on the women’s team at my home for their game at Cardiff Met! That’s not an ideal state of affairs, of course, but in an emergency it’s incredible to be able to do that.
Commentating surrounded by home comforts, with my cat on my ap, wasn’t an option when we went to MK Dons this season, though. Funnily enough, I don’t have an ISDN line in my house, so we all set off for the Stok Cae Ras again to commentate on the game and rekindle old memories.
We had a great time, but sadly there was a casualty: my lad’s Tv hadn’t survived its extended close season, and has had to be assigned to the scrap heap. We think an over-enthusiastic Kings of Leon fan accidentally put their foot through it; or maybe it was a Declan Swans fan?
We’ll return, when circumstances demand, to commentating that way from time to time, I’m sure. After all, most commentaries on TV are done “off-tube” as they call commentary off a screen. We’ll be able to tell you all from now on, though, which is a relief!
DragonHeart 