Wrexham’s fantastical compendium of festive fun failures

Wrexham’s merchandising is now a beautifully oiled machine. Why not take a look at the online shop or visit the real shops at the ground or Eagles Meadow. It hasn’t always been this good you know. See below a few of the products you probably never wanted, that thankfully got strangled at birth.

Mickey Thomas Monopoly – (Mickey was so thrilled with this idea he agreed to manufacture the game himself. No prototypes produced have been found to still exist.)

The Ian Rush ‘no ACTION whatsoever’ Figurine – Stare hopefully at the lifelike model for hours, hoping for something to happen. Guaranteed completely inert.

Brian Little’s ‘Hoof the Parcel’  – Based on the popular parlour game, with a clever twist that the present has to be ‘hoofed’ as far as possible in the vague direction of the other children. (Apparently Mr Little was unwilling to have his picture on the front of the box, and the idea was dropped)

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The Xavier Valero goalkeeping aid – No need to risk back injuries with this easy-to-use ball recovering tool. Works however deeply into the net the ball has buried.

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The Lamine Sahko Nutcracker – Guaranteed to give all nuts a good cracking at Christmas.

The Jay Harris Tackle Simulator – Feel the realistic experience of being tackled by your hero. (The Health and Safety executive discouraged development of this promising idea)

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Mark Gutterman stress remover – Vigorously squeeze or punch the miniature lifelike character, based on our popular owner, to relieve stress at work.

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The Matchday Experience Enhancer kit –  Made up of : Moan resistant earmuffs, the Thermoanetor to detect areas of high moaning intensity, and a powerful moan repellent spray (Warning! – Using the spray may cause a temporary increase in moaning prior to dispersal). For only £5.00 extra get the Automoan© App for your mobile phone, letting you send automatic moans after the game on all social media with no thought at all! (Thousands of satisfied App users already )

The Mark Griffiths commentating doll – Keep up your spirits high in lean times by pulling the cord and listening to great commentary moments like : ” Some people are on the pitch, they thinks it’s all over, Hunt Scores!!!! that’s it, Wrexham are Champions, Wrexham are Champions, it is now”, or who can forget: “Kevin Ratcliffe, Steve Burr, Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me, your boys took one hell of a beating”, including his oft repeated “I could have saved that!” line, and of course the infamous “testicles” commentary from earlier this season.

How fortunate we are to have some decent stuff to buy, although I’d quite like some Google Glass rose-tinted spectacles to make the Kop look full, and the oppositions goal fuller.

Have a nice break

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